I'm just a lover...

1. Keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding...
2. Black fingernails, red wine....
3. Either wanna be with me or be me....
4. But they're just notes and they mean nothing....
5. She draws the costume correct in thick, black and red eyeliner...
6. Tell me is the money worth your soul...
7. Darling don't you lie, lie to me...
8. I'm sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy...
9. It's gonna be another lonely night, one more and I'm gonna die...
10. Oooohhh, your such a fucking hipocrite...
11. You say you want me, you say you need me, you say you love me, how come your leaving...
12. Don't want your hand this time, maybe I'll wake up for once...
13. Baby say that it's all gonna be alright (I believe that it isn't)...
14. Desire for days but buttons never left their ports...

Some of them (if not most of them) are very, very obvious but if you get 4. I will probably want to stalk you =)

Friends cut

Due to a lack of communication

Comment if you want to be added again

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When they lowered your body into the ground, they lowered my heart too.

Have a block of chocolate I got that I was. No. Am. Going to give to Daniel tomorrow.
Going to purge ice-cream instead. Have not done that in what seems like an eternity.
I'm good though, I have not self injured.
Had a chemistry test today and self-handicapped myself by not studying. I believe that I went well in it though, 90% easy.
I'm going to close this journal and not write in it until I see a time fit for it.
Would delete it, but it would be like deleting my life.

Please delete me from your friends page.
If you wish to stay in contact with me on-line, my MSN/e-mail is modern_moonlight_@hotmail.com and my myspace is http://www.myspace.com/exit_wounds

I want to see these singers/bands live.

The Dresden Dolls
Evanescence
Morgan and the Hidden Hands
Emilie Autumn

Two down, two to go.

All of the other music I listen to does not deserve to be obsessed over as much.

Now have broadband in my room computer

Shavone+year 13=fucked up sleep
Shavone+year 13+networked broadband in room=no sleep

So far I am just getting my music collection back. Right now I am working on getting my large collection of Emilie Autumn songs back. <3

I have my 'tummy back' but he is glad that I am eating again.

Sleep has been going downhill fast again in the last week or so.

But I am keeping up with my school work, so it is worth it.

Mum said I looked heaps happy tonight.

I have work tomorrow. I have not worked for a while so it will be interesting. I will probably be a zombie! I'll make sure that I eat breakfast though, seems to make a bit of a difference *shrugs*

I'm doing weights to try to help tone up my arms. Not doing it hard or enough to make progress quick but am doing them here and there.

I would rather be fat and successful in year 12 than thin and a failure...

I'm going to do my livejournal up.

Today didn't end up going to the car show as we thought we would save a bit of money instead, and see a movie and go for a 2 hour drive...whatever works lol. We saw Epic Movie, it was crap, like most of the movies out lately, but it was fun to go driving with daniel as it was all relaxed and not busy and yeah. Than whilst we were waiting for Paul and Samantha to turn up at my house we took my car for a little drive and it is pretty good for drifting on dirt roads...sha la la la. When I get a new car I'm going to have some fun with my old one in a padock or something lol.
Today was fun.
It is awesome scary not in control of your body and trusting someone fun to be carried around by Daniel, he likes carrying me around, which is weird. It is good though, he finally weighs more than me!! I'm losing weight and he is gaining weight, about damn time lol. (I've been eating normally though so its not allllllll  water weight lol)
Also drove my sister and her friend to mcdonalds around 10.30pm. I drive responsibly with people in the cars, but I love driving at night so much better as I can listen to loud music and not care about people seeing me lol.
Today I was in the passage and Daniel was in the kitchen talking to my mum and patting bella and it kinda hit me that I do love him. Took me long enough to realise that though lol. I still can't believe it, but starting to sink in.
Kinda like me seeing The Dresden Dolls live, sunk in after it was over, a bit. Hehehe, daniel saw the girl anachronism film clip and WISHES that he saw them with me rather than zack lol. I wish he could have come to, but he was not in the picture when I bought the tickets lol.
Didn't take long for our computer to be full of viruses, again!
I feel really good, things are going great. I love the fact that I can be all shitty when my sister is a bitch and the dog is annoying and am dealing with shit like that and not hiding lol. I love how I can deal with my tongue piercing as I got it done before and can deal with the pain and can talk normally where as my sister is struggling lol. I love how I am talking to Kaise and am being more sociable around everyone and am looking forward to school and will hopefully still be all good there lol. I love how I know that I love daniel! Took long enougggggggh. *something goes snaaaaap* I love how I haven't slept great for a while and am still ok with the fact that I have to wake up and work tomorrow hehehe. Shall be fun talking to customers!! zomg, I can be all hyper and dancing around the shop listening to music!! yyayayayay. Steven likes when I'm in that mood as I'm not assssss much as a bitch that makes him do his work lol.
I love daniel I love daniel I love daniel I love daniel I love daniel I love daniel.
Hehehehe, going to paint my nails sunday night all ready for school and all hehehe, yay. Now I just need to NOT chew them!!
I bought new uniforms yet swapped them with my sis as I like the old ones on me better as they look better lolz yayayay.
Shiiiiiiiiiit, in a few days I will be back at school! In a week I will be 18. In a week and a day daniel will meet all the family. lolz, poor guy :P Yay, in a week and a day kaise's bf comes back from america!! awesome, its been a while, damn time flies!!
well, better concentrate on msn convo's, will shower, sleep than woooooork yayayayay.

-----------------------------------

From now on, 2007 will be a time for:

1. Saving a minimum of $4000, to start 2008 with

2. Losing 10kg-20kg, to get to my goal weight which is still a healthy weight

3. Receiving straight A's all year, to help get the TER I wish and need for my preferred university course

4. Building interpersonal relationships, to get me out of the social rut I have made for myself

5. Learning to organise, to make life easier

-----------------------------------

On other news, our computer is all fixed and functional again. The hard drive had to be replaced and our files were not backed up so we lost them. It is not so bad, I'm just glad this happened now rather than mid school year. I can live without my large music collection.

Mum/Dad, Ashleigh and I all have seperate log in details. Mum and Dad are the administrators and are the only ones with privileges that can download or change settings. I came home from work at 4pm, spent some attention to our new puppy Bella, saw that our computer was back and that my sister was not on it. Turns out no one could work out how to get the modem working or the internet working or anything working. My sister was and still is asleep unaware that I made the computer work so we can go on the internet. It is a pain though, I am the one who knows how to fix it, yet my parents are the ones who have to let me into their log in to. What if it breaks when they are not here? Oh well, I will just be patient, I will soon be administrator to my computer.

The savings for the computer is not going so well. I had a few hundred in the bank yesterday but kinda went shopping...I bought two tops, my own bikini, a bag for school, a pencil case for school, at top for Daniel and a PS2 game that does not work. My wardrobe was sorted through again yesterday and all my old crappy clothes are now in a bag to get rid of. 

The day after Mum put Duke down she went and had a 'look' at a puppy which she than came home with. She is named Bella, she is a rotweiler, she keeps sticking her head in the cat door when she does not have attention from us, she jumps on my bed (my door is nearly always shut now as I don't like animals in my room), she was born September 27th, she is cute.

Well, I'm off to attempt to catch up on everyone's journals and try to comment, than I'll clean and organise my room.

**Ashleigh is awake now, hugged me for fixing the internet, didn't even ask to go online, but I'll do my room now, journals after**

Last night I went to fill up petrol and ended up going for an hour and a half long drive, very smart considering I want to save money...
I had an episode when driving which included crying, punching the steering wheel and screaming to and at myself.
I still can't believe that I kept thinking 'I hate you, stop fucking txting me' about Daniel.
But for once, I stopped myself acting on impulse and talked myself back into thinking straight.
Than I talked to him about it when I was thinking straight.
I think that was the first time I honestly wanted to get better whilst in that mood.
I also went home and really looked at my legs.
Those cuts are fucking horrible.
I want to and will stop.
*is going to chuck all blades away as soon as I turn off the computer*
Daniel said something about my upper arms. He used to think that they were fat, but he noticed that they are 'nothing' compared to some girls.
My though reaction when in that mood was a fuck you, I'll stop eating.
I'm working today and will be sleeping when I get home so I'm too busy for food anyway.
At least I've dropped the fuck you attitude.
Dad ate my present to Gran...
*sigh* how many times do I need to buy her present, oh well, this time I'll get Dad to get it, it is only fair.
I have a single diget number in my bank.
But I have no expenses for a while and I'm getting paid today, getting money from my parents tomorrow, getting youth allowance this friday etc.
Oh wait, I do have one expense. $70 for a normally $190 comforter set. How could I not buy it when I save that much...its a 12.01am sale thingo lol.
Well, off to brush my teeth and go to work.
Merry Christmas everyone!

I promised to Daniel that I am going to work as hard as I can to get better.
More importantly, I am promising myself that I will.
Nothing will work better than staying focused on a goal, I think.
Adelaide University medicine, that is my goal.
I'm going to do all I can to get there!

That will be the first thing I say to Sally.

"I want to be good enough to get into medicine, what do I need to do?"


I'm going to do 5 subjects instead of 4 next year. 
That 17 for psychology is fucking not good enough.
I need that to be a fall back for IF I get a bad mark in Math or something.
But I want and need to get a TER of over 90 so I need to get 18-19-20's (I think...)

I'm glad the New Years and Birthday thing is sorted out now, so now that I have basically no stress sources, I can concentrate on fixing my head up.

When I save a bit of money I'm going to build myself a PC.
I want to have it finished before the mad rush of year 12 (well, year 13 for me) assignments come in.
My sister basically lives on this computer.
It would go in my room.
I also want to do my room up.
To make is more simple, and less cluttered.
So, I will sell some stuff, get rid of some stuff, etc.
*looks up PC stuff online*

Psychology: 17 A Very High Achievement (17/20, 85%, 'A')

Hmm, alright I guess considering I had my individual investigation handed in for final marking in the first rough draft status. Not to mention all the um, time I had off lol.

I started the year wanting 20/20 for psychology, or even 18-19/20, but this will do, for this year.

So, my aims for next year:

Math Studies: 15-20/20
Chemistry: 17-20/20
Biology: 17-20/20
English Studies: 17-20/20

Fuck, I want a high TER.

I will get bonus points for doing Math Studies, Chemistry, Biology, since I have parents who didn't go to university, that I go to Gawler High school, that I have youth allowance, well, all of these in different situations and courses and universities.

I want a TER of over 90 damnit...

Maybe I should do another subject next year...I want to have a subject that I can fall back on if one of my subjects grade sucks. Hmm, nah, I'll just pull my finger out and concentrate on those subjects. As long as I get all 17/20 for my subjects and maybe 18, 19 or 20 for Chemistry and Biology, I will be fine, not to mention that I'll have some bonus points and I will be less stressed, I hope.

Hmm, I have 27 SACE units but no TER as I don't have 5 double unit stage 2 units.

Hehehe, I'm going to the city now and I'll be paying for my sister to get her belly button pierced...I offered as it will be my Christmas present for her...She peirces her own body so she will be able to handle the pain.

Yay, time for the city!

Fucking livejournal ate my entry.

I told mum. Everything.

My appointment is Janurary 4th with another social worker that works in the same place Kate does.

"SACE students in South Australia and Asia, and NTCE students in the Northern Territory, should receive their results in the post on 20 December 2006. Students can also access their results online from 8 a.m. (South Australian time) on the day, by logging in below."

*nerves start up*

I know it is only for psychology and it does not show my TER or anything, but still...

I'm going to do weekly arm, leg, waist and hip measurements.
I'm going to make myself be a bit more active in life for health and lifestyle reasons.
I'm going to eat healthy food, but not calorie count.

The cuts on my leg look like they are getting infected and are keeping me awake at night and in pain during the day. The scars will be a reminder of the positives of giving cutting up I guess.

What can be the worse thing that happens from infected cuts? *googles* hmm, syptoms show that it is getting infected...I'll see a doctor soon than...blah.

Yay for a stomach and leg infection...*dance of joy* What is next, an ear infection? Grr

You're everything to me and right now my life is falling apart. You are getting worser as each day passes. *something to that affect*

Told him that I would get help. We were talking and a few minutes or hours later mum came into our room and talked to us for a bit, than asked if I was alright. I than said not really but I'll talk to you about it after. Daniel was cautiously relieved and couldn't believe that I said that.

That was last night though. I dropped Daniel off home and than when I got home mum asked straight away to talk and I said I will in 10 minutes, I need to relax first. Than I went in the kitched 10 mins later, they were playing cards, I just got a drink of water.

I'm going to talk to her about everything today though.

If I don't try to fix myself in these holidays its going to fuck over my final year of school. If it doesn't work, what is one year without doing self-destructive behaviours? I can always do them after, but I can't do my school work after.

I gave away two of my batteries to my sister for her camera as I"m not going to weigh myself and I will not be counting calories.

I still have my blade hidden on the cupboard next to my bed though and I still really, really want to cut and cut and cut. But I can't. When I talk to mum I might give away all sharp objects :|

I still find it kinda amusing in a sad way that Daniel said my legs look worse than any horror movie he saw, and that I'm crueler to myself than any mass murderer would be. My body is covered in bruises, cuts, bite marks and nail marks still from Sunday night. Fuck I have a killer bruise on my knee, I smashed a full roll on deoderant on it and the end of the bottle is now bent in and my knee is dark purple and blue, painful too hehe.

I let Daniel read my journal when he was here. He said it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be apart from the little um, scare. I didn't plan on telling him about that lol. He is okay with it though.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday will be my empty days for me to be lazy. Kaise wants to know what I'm doing Friday but I'm going to catch up with her after next Wednesday as Thursday, Saturday and Sunday I have plans and I really want a break between them lol. I'm also going to be telling her nearly everything when I see her next.

Its been 2 weeks 6 days without purging. Well, its not like I've done very many ed behaviours lately, its just been in my thoughts. Hmm I feel as though I need to really fuck up with that before I get help though. Too bad, I'm getting help, or at least telling someone.

Smaller problems are always easier to fix than larger problems.

*but I think I'm getting an infection, so that shall be an interesting add to the mix.*

A year with LJ: Write the first sentence from the first entry of every month.

(Over two of my journals)

January: Testing, testing.
February: Waking up hoping that today will be different than all of the other days.
March: Ah, I now post most of the time to sace_students, but I will try later to save somethings to write about in here...
April: A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.
May: I have my grades from last term.
June
July
August
September
October
November
December

January:
February:
March:
April:
May:
June: I really should be doing my english homework, I just can not focus myself to be creative on demand.
July: I am in a week long competition with Esdejai to see who can lose the most amount of weight.
August: I have not even finished ONE bottle of water (1.5lt) nearly done though
September: What Lovan is used for
October: Dad asked me how I could possibly go to bed so late and wake up so early
November: I don't know what I am doing anymore, every step and turn I make seems to be a mistake to me a few moments later.
December: I am now using a pen and paper journal as well as this one.

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=020289

My public fitday.

*In the hopes of cutting down 'I ate this' posts*

The party was excellent. I was one of only 2 people who were driving and therefore not drinking but we both still had as much fun as everyone else did. I went at 9pm, got there, felt at ease straight away and ended up staying until 2am. I went home, calmed down, went to sleep around 4am and went to work at 9am and got Brent to come in early so I can do my math work. (Which I WILL be doing soon, I'm just doing this, checking myspace, talking on msn...eek!)

Hmm. Next Friday, my time plan will be:
8am?: Get makeup done?? (don't know, meh)
9am: Get hair done
11am: Get ready to go
12pm-12.30pm: Rock up to the Starplex (graduation)
1pm: Class photos
2pm: Graduation ceremony
3-3.30pm: Go to Angela's house
6-7pm: Go to Ayers house (formal)
11pm: Go to the after party & sleep there (as I will be drinking)

Saturday:
Who knows what time: Get home, get ready, go to Kaise's and go to her friends party with her.

Sunday:
Work...(I am soooo going to be in a good mood...eek!)

No more school until January the 29th 2007! Yayayayay!

I actually like doing year 13 as my friends are giving me lots of advice about what to do and what not to do, hehehehe, awesome.

I talked to Lewis alot at the party and he still doesn't believe me that I won't get 100% for psychology, I like my psychology reputation!

I can't wait for Friday now as it will be SO DAMN AWESOME!! I am soooo glad Lisa and Angela talked me into going, even if I still can't bring Daniel to it, it will be grand. Can't wait, can't wait, CAN'T WAIT!

*ahem*

well, better do math work now, gotta get THAT over with (grr, the ONE time Daniel is on msn *rolls eyes*)

GAHHHHH

I AM going to Katie's party tonight. It started at 7.30pm but I will go around 8.30-9pm. Ah I am so fucking scared. ME being sociable??? Rah rah rah! I'm so scared, scardey cat, scardey cat!

*tries to breathe*

And next Saturday I'm going to a party with Kaise, I'm not scared about that at all yet, because I will be entering the party with her, with this one tonight I will be rocking up by myself to a house full of people and only some of them are really my friends.

(oh dear, what can I talk about?!)

Lisa is turning up at 10pm and Angela may turn up at 12 if it is still going by than.

Hmmmm. I will probably stay until 10, 11 or 12...I don't know, depends if I feel comfortable enough with the people or not.

Oh, and today I went retail therepy and bought alot of girly stuff like my formal jewellery, makeup, a do it at home hair streaking kit(blonde/caramel), and I got my hair cut into a v/layers style.

Rahhhhhhh, I'm PETRIFIED!

Hahah, Daniel wants me to txt him often so if I fail at talking I'll txt him for a bit than try again.

ARGH

*head desk*

It would be easier to just not go...grrrrrrr, NOOOOOOOOOOO I'm going, I'm going, I'm going!

Okay, I WILL go, if it is really as bad as I think it will be, I'll just leave, no big deal, I won't see these people again for a while as they are the year 12's and only a few year 11's but yeah. I don't know.

Going now..

"At Rundle Mall - Adelaide, Australia 2006. Photo by Naomi Jellicoe"

That is on Amanda's myspace...

I didn't know she was in Adelaide RAHHHHH I know I saw The Dresden Dolls live, but this is a different occasion. 

What kind of obsessive fan AM I?!

*coughs* Anyway...

I'm gaining momento with completing my math work.

I am going to be active with recovery.

That is all, today.

I've decided to make a few posts on this journal public to stop me from staying in the habit of ranting on too much and staying so negative. Probably won't be too detailed and will probably be pretty boring. What is topic that fits the discription better than school? Thought of any? Thought not!

Phase 1 of school is nearly over. I now only have my Psychology exam at 9am this Wednesday, and two Math (year 11 *sigh*) exams which I believe are held at 9am Tuesday and 9am Wednesday (I MUST check details). I want 100% for my Psychology exam and I want over 90% for my Math exams. To be realistic, I would have to aim for over 90% for my Psychology and over 80% for my Math, but this way I will push myself further.

I can't wait for 2007 as it will be a very busy year! (I hope) I will be doing Math Studies, English Studies, Chemistry and Biology. I will also be taking up sport again (netball is the pick at the moment). I will also be continuing my job possibly with the same hours (I love working days rather than night!). I will also actually make the effort to be sociable. The negative aspects of 2007 would be: My best friend is moving overseas. The school work may be a bit of a shock to me from having it so 'easy' this year. If I get poor school results it will affect my abiltiy to get my dream job. I will be taking the UMAT (*faints*). Well yeah, alot of positive and negative things are possible, it is a new year after all.

Talking about New Years. I will be spending my time with my best friend and boyfriend. The only bad thing is that one of them wants a quiet night and the other one wants a loud night! I can't please them both. I need to compramise with them both I guess. Hmm, I'm just thinking what my 'New Years Resolution' should be. I failed this year's (not that I really tried). Hmm. Maybe to keep a balance between everything? Maybe to save as much money as I can to go towards a house? Who knows. I'm sure that I will be able to think of a million things that needs improving within myself, but those things should not have 'new year, new change' attitude, they should not wait.

I was listening to Nova tonight and they had an open thing about Depression, Anxiety and Suicide. Listening to that made me cry. Some parts of it made me feel as though I should just shut the fuck up and get over it or just bottle it all in or just do stupid things again, but than I actually listened to it and I thought about how others would feel from my actions, that things can not be fixed when it is all over, that wanting to stop the pain should be different to wanting to die and that it is just plain selfish to refuse help from others as it affects them too. This made me cry the hardest.

I let the beast in too soon, I don’t know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always & still
O darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
-How crazy I am
You say you don’t spook easy, you won’t go, but I know
And I pray that you will
-Fast as you can, baby run-free yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I’ll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
-Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don’t shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I’m begging for a lift
Or I’ll drown in the wonders and the was
And I’ll be your girl, if you say it’s a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I’ll be your pet, if you just tell me it’s a gift
Cuz I’m tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it’s too soon
So I’ll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you’re getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I’m blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I’ll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can
Fast as you can
Fast as you can
Fast as you can